DAVE L. COOKE  GNCM; Dip. Ed

   Born Nottingham shortly before the invention of the wheel, and educated at two highly regarded establishments, the remains of which were discovered during a recent archaeological dig, Dave has enjoyed a long and illustrious career....(well long anyway)...(and I’m not really sure about the enjoyed bit either).

   Not only does he  remember where he was when J.F. Kennedy was assassinated, but clearly remembers the public furore when it was deemed no longer necessary for a man to walk in front of motor cars waving a red flag.

   Needless to say during his time masquerading as a musician, Dave has fooled many well known artists and producers to such an extent that they were deceived into paying for his services, indeed some of them more than once, proving beyond any doubt that his real forte was as an insurance salesman. However, it was not to be.

   He would say that he is (or, more likely, was) known as a “Jack of all trades musical”, but of course he will always be remembered as “Master of absolutely f...........”

   During the latter part of the last century, Dave was seen to be hiding in many studios, many theatres and concert halls, sometimes even playing the keyboards, (when nobody was looking). Many well known faces, sadly now most of them only part of our rich heritage, were rumoured to have told him to “f... o.. and don’t come back”...People like Tommy Cooper, Morecambe and Wise, Freddie Starr, Bob Monkhouse and countless other comedians and cabaret acts as he ‘trod the boards’ learning his trade. Unfortunately, he didn’t take the hint and being thick skinned tried his luck with musicians instead. During this period he had the rare distinction of being awarded the accolade of worst mime ever seen on Top of The Pops. This was for a bunch of reprobates who somehow managed to turn one of his “arrangements” (for want of a better term) into a hit record. The record, now long since consigned to the museum of one hit wonders, was by the Firm and went by the imaginative title ‘Arthur Daley (‘e’s alright)’.

   Whilst on the run from the good taste police he evaded capture by touring - his camouflage was heralded as magnificent...............unfortunately his playing wasn’t - with such magical names as the Three degrees, Bucks Fizz, Bay City Ro.....perhaps better left unsaid.

   When he finally ran out of hiding places,  he was sentenced to the pit, and served his time in many West End establishments. Desperate to escape, he was seen  on many occasions waving his arms like a mad man, trying in vain to attract attention in the hope somebody would rescue him and aid his escape. Unfortunately, he was standing in front of orchestras at the time although the musicians were able, as musicians always seem to be able to do, to ignore him and carry on as if he wasn’t there.

   One well known singer, who to protect her reputation, we shall call Helen, had been searching with some desperation for a decent MD. She finally, and very reluctantly, (rumour has it she was blackmailed), called upon the services of Dave. From the moment he took over, her life changed, and then she retired completely.

  Having made such a lasting impression with so many wonderful and varied artists, he felt it was time to move into the world of radio and television. He found this  was much harder than he had anticipated  - this world was already full to capacity with complete idiots. However, he persevered, and soon his patience paid dividends. There were still some cloth-eared executives (well slightly higher up the chain of command than the cleaners) that had not experienced at first hand Dave’s very special and unique ability to very quickly put people off music for life. Not believing this was possible they tested his skills, commissioning him to compose music for a variety of genres - t.v. themes, documentaries, advertisements and so on. Thus was heralded the beginning of an unprecedented depression in the advertising industry, which secured Dave’s reputation for ever.

   A long period of exile followed, the only suitable place for his own brand of incompetence being Ireland. A producer who fled these shores after an earlier liaison, clearly did not flee far enough and was mysteriously forced into securing his services over a considerable period of time.( Mind you, working with Dave for an hour can seem like an eternity)

   The Irish have a fascination with the unusual; for instance a recently previously unknown work was discovered , but strangely not revealed to the public. The title of this work was “Irish Dancing - vol 2 - What to do with the arms”.

This probably explains why Dave was able to remain employed for so long, they find change hard to accommodate, and Dave entered the world of strange sounding instruments, strange sounding language, and even stranger musicians.

   He was able to work undetected in some wonderful studios, (more than half of which survived), concert halls, (most of these surprisingly still operate as concert halls), television  studios, (none of which should have been there to begin with). He has travelled the length and breadth of this small country, but remarkably Ireland is still regarded as a cultural jewel. Clearly the Irish really are a resilient race of people.

   So now it is the turn of the Belles. They are too young and innocent to have been aware of this man’s reputation for the sort of torture that has befallen so many before. One can only hope that their fate is not sealed, and a knight in shining armour will rescue them before it is too late. Ah.... fantasies.